The first time my heart truly broke was in 2013. This was the year my sister passed away in a car accident. Just typing this right now makes me get teary eyed, so many emotions come rushing in. It’s like water filling my lungs and cutting off my oxygen. I am trying to gasp for air, to hold on to whatever happiness I can find. I am drowning. Little do I realize the water filling my lungs are years of unshed tears looking for an escape. I had never experienced so much pain in my life. I am still so hurt and sad because she is gone. I don’t think the sadness every goes away after you lose a loved one. I think you just learn to live with the pain and incorporate it in your everyday life as a norm. The day my sister passed away a piece of my heart left with her. I hope that little piece is keeping her close company wherever she is exploring now a days. In one day I lost my sister, best friend, a piece of my heart, and sadly; I lost myself also.
As the oldest sibling in my family I have always been a care taker. I have always taken care of any needs my family has had. I have always considered myself a little “adult” since a young age. The days following the passing of my sister I was in charge of preparing her funeral and anything that involved her passing. I went into care taker mode. I wanted to make this transition as easy as possible for my family. I did not want them to have any extra worry. I spent the following 5 years in autopilot mode. I dove myself into school, work, and my family. Everything that I did was to honor my sisters memory.
Fast forward to the now, as I sit outside and type my story out.
I have felt so lost.
I have felt so sad.
I have felt so undeserving.
I have felt so lonely.
I have felt so empty.
I have spent years trying to live and honor the memory of my sister that I let go of myself. I have been focusing on the past and in the loss that I have suffered. I stopped living in the present and looking forward to my future. Everything that I have tried to do to better myself has made me felt empty. I have not felt true accomplishment nor happiness in such a long time. I came to the realization that I feel this way because I have not been doing any of this for myself. I have been living a life for my sister. I let myself get lost in the pain, suffering, and trying to keep her spirit alive around us that I let my spirit dim.
I am now trying to reconnect with myself.
I am trying to heal my mind.
I am trying to heal my spirit.
I am trying to heal my heart.
I am trying to heal my soul.
I will be at peace with myself again.
Seeking aide for mental health can be very difficult. There is such a negative stigma around needing help for your mental sanity that is terribly sad. After years and years of battling and feeling defeated by my mental health, it finally seemed help. While in therapy one thing that has really made an impact in my life and something that I’ve maintained on going
Accepting the fact that as a person you are broken is heartbreaking. I had to adapt to the idea that emotionally and spiritually I was suffering. This was very hard for me to do. Not being able to fulfill the idea of being a strong person as others viewed me saddened me. I was unable to live up to everyone’s standards of myself. I felt that I was letting everyone else down.
In Hispanic culture it is difficult to deal with mental illness. This is a topic of conversation that is not discussed. I was broken but I kept on smiling and pretending I was fine in front of my family. While searching for someone to help me deal with my emotions, frustrations, and mental health issues, I stumbled upon an amazing psychologist who helped me to connect myself, with my mind, and spirit once again. At first it was tough focusing on myself and finding things that brought myself joy and that I truly loved . As weeks passed we discovered that coffee, dogs, and ice cream make myself, my soul, and spirit happy. They bring joy and love into my life. On my quest to rediscover myself I devoted one day out of the week to make myself internally happy. In the Summer of 2018 I ventured on the journey of finding local coffee shops all over Denver. I wanted to start healing my mind and soul. As I started to do things for myself and no one else, my soul and spirit are slowly starting to heal. I had something to look forward to at least once a week. It gave me excitement and a purpose!